The Dispatches
Satirical commentary on Britain's most entertaining catastrophe
Analysis 6 February 2026
A Comprehensive Guide to Starmer's Vetting Process
Step one: ask candidate if they're dodgy. Step two: believe them when they say no. Step three: act surprised when they turn out to be dodgy. Step four: tell PMQs there was "a process." It's really quite elegant in its simplicity — the sort of system you'd design if you wanted maximum embarrassment with minimum effort. Somewhere in Whitehall, a civil servant is maintaining a spreadsheet titled "People Who Said They Weren't Dodgy But Were" and it is getting very, very long. MI5, we're told, were consulted. One imagines the briefing: "Is this man trustworthy?" "Well, we asked him and he said yes." "Marvellous. Stamp it. Next!"
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Obituary 4 February 2026
Peter Mandelson's Political Career: An Obituary (Fourth Edition)
We are gathered here today to mark the passing — once again — of Lord Mandelson's political career. Previous obituaries were published in 1998, 2001, and 2025, each time prematurely as the Prince of Darkness proved more resilient than a cockroach in a nuclear bunker. This time, however, we feel reasonably confident. Being photographed in one's underpants on the front pages whilst simultaneously under criminal investigation tends to reduce the appetite for comebacks. Spitting Image, which depicted Mandelson as a green serpent who hypnotised the entire Shadow Cabinet, has issued a statement: "Even we couldn't have written this."
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Sport 2 February 2026
The 412-to-41 Speedrun: Is Starmer Going for the World Record?
In the competitive world of political speedrunning, records are meant to be broken. Liz Truss previously held the "Fastest PM to Destroy All Credibility" title at 49 days, a run so clean that the lettuce community still celebrates annually. But Starmer is attempting something far more ambitious: the "Largest Seat Projection Collapse in History (Any% Glitchless)" category. Starting from a commanding 412 seats in July 2024, he has — through a combination of freebiegate, pensioner-punishing, and appointing a man who lied about his relationship with a convicted paedophile as Ambassador to America — achieved a projected score of just 41 seats. That's a loss rate of approximately 0.7 seats per day. The Truss estate has filed a formal appeal.
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